Satire

8 Predictions for the Next NBA Bubble

Because deep down we all know that Coronavirus isn’t going anywhere

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Photo by Miltiadis Fragkidis on Unsplash
  1. 29 Teams teams show up for training camp; the Hornets aren’t there. Nobody notices.
  2. Micheal Beasley arrives at the bubble because the Atlanta Hawks sign him for a minimum guarantee. He gets sent away three days later for trying to sneak Bernice Burgos and some backwoods into his hotel.
  3. Ernie Johnson announces that he will be leaving NBA Today to focus on his paid newsletter. Kenny Smith begins to give Ernie a heartwarming goodbye speech. Shaq abruptly interrupts by reminding Charles Barkley that he has no rings.
  4. Adrian Wojnarowski reports that Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant get in a heated argument about Objective Naturalism and the Higgs Boson. Steve Nash claims that their relationship is unsalvagable. Shams Charania slaps a cup off his desk like Denzel slapped the cup off Richie Roberts' desk in American Gangster; he realizes that he will never be Woj.
  5. There’s another moment of civil unrest due to the unfair treatment of Black People in America. The NBA Players and League respond swiftly with #Standbyus sweatbands; Jason Whitlock quits in response. Micheal Porter JR and Jonathan Issac are so disgusted by the league-wide support of black lives that they leave the NBA to play in Isreal.
  6. Lamelo Ball wins Rookie of the Year, Lavar gets “I told you so” tattooed across his forehead. Lavar ball goes on First Take and announces that he will be pivoting his focus to Big Baller Politics. He plans on running for president in 2024.
  7. Giannis Antetokounmpo wins his third straight MVP; James Harden posts, “they should stop giving MVPs to first-round exits” on his Instagram story and deletes it seconds later. The screenshot trends. Giannis responds by getting swept in the first round by the Orlando Magic.
  8. Lebron James wins his 5th Ring, finally surpassing Jordan as the GOAT. Drake has a 50-foot painting of LeBron hung in his home the next day. Rihanna posts a sexually charged cryptic photo congratulating him. It gets 10 million likes. Skip Bayless claims that he’s been LeBron’s greatest fan all along on Twitter; nobody retweets.

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Executive Assistant, Editorial @ Medium

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