Satire
8 Predictions for the Next NBA Bubble
2 min readOct 23, 2020
Because deep down we all know that Coronavirus isn’t going anywhere
- 29 Teams teams show up for training camp; the Hornets aren’t there. Nobody notices.
- Micheal Beasley arrives at the bubble because the Atlanta Hawks sign him for a minimum guarantee. He gets sent away three days later for trying to sneak Bernice Burgos and some backwoods into his hotel.
- Ernie Johnson announces that he will be leaving NBA Today to focus on his paid newsletter. Kenny Smith begins to give Ernie a heartwarming goodbye speech. Shaq abruptly interrupts by reminding Charles Barkley that he has no rings.
- Adrian Wojnarowski reports that Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant get in a heated argument about Objective Naturalism and the Higgs Boson. Steve Nash claims that their relationship is unsalvagable. Shams Charania slaps a cup off his desk like Denzel slapped the cup off Richie Roberts' desk in American Gangster; he realizes that he will never be Woj.
- There’s another moment of civil unrest due to the unfair treatment of Black People in America. The NBA Players and League respond swiftly with #Standbyus sweatbands; Jason Whitlock quits in response. Micheal Porter JR and Jonathan Issac are so disgusted by the league-wide support of black lives that they leave the NBA to play…